Thursday, February 24, 2011

Back from the Dead...or from the living. Either way I am back...maybe

I think that I have been trying to avoid putting thought to blog for awhile as I am super busy with life. BUT I have realized again how cathartic it can be.

There is a verse in Proverbs 16:24-Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

I am not a fan of tearing others down or lavishing unearned praise. But when these pinup photos came out, I was so horrified at how I looked. I ripped myself to shreds. I was angry that I spent the money and that I looked the way I did. I pored over each one and was critical in thought and word. I was livid that I had tried something new and fell flat on my face or so I thought. I was embarrassed and mad at myself for acting like a typical "girl" and berating myself. I finally told my husband how I felt and you know what? He went and pored over each one with his artist's eye and chose about thirty. He then gave me the list and said now you find the ones from there that you like. I realized that he loved me just the way I was and just the way I looked in those photos. He was so excited that I had taken the initiative and done something I had always wanted to do.

This is just a small picture of how God loves each of us. He loves us no matter what we look like or act like. There is a grace extended that we fail to see. I read The Silver Chair to Caedmon and in the last chapter, Aslan walks up to the two children, who were thinking all these thoughts of how they had failed him again and again. He kisses them and says "I will not always be scolding you. You have done the work I intended for you. Enough with that and follow me."

I hope to write with gracious words in the effort to not allow bitterness to take root. Bitterness has stolen many days from me but not any longer. There is an ideal in my head that when not attained paves the way for me to tear myself down and that is where I struggle. So I hope to have this blog be a safe haven where I can be honest but still be gracious-to others and to myself.

That is why I am starting back up with writing. To extend the grace to myself. What is that phrase? 20% grace. Give myself 20% grace.

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